December 10, 2008

• This is an entry I wrote back in February, but that I never published publicly.  It was the first time in my life I can recall actually attributing some self-worth to, well, myself.  And that, I think, is rather monumental.  I was reading my backlogged entries, and I thought it was interesting.

   

  Wednesday, February 27, 2008 - 12:48 AM

  from Dateable by Justin Lookadoo and Hayley Morgan--Chapter Six, "Girls Will Lie to Themselves to Get What They Want": The "He's Too Nice" Lie This lie goes to the opposite extreme.  Girls tell themselves, "If he likes me, there must be something wrong with him," or "He does nice things for me.  He's just too nice."  Listen, there's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing wrong with him for liking you.  You are likeable.  And just because a guy does nice things for you doesn't mean he's weird.  It doesn't mean that he's not your type.  It means he is nice and knows how to treat you with respect.  Enjoy it.  Savor it.  Let him treat you like something special. ... When you value yourself, what others say is merely icing, not something to live or die by.... If you know you are worth it, you will accept a nice guy.   You are likeable.  You are likeable.  You are. That's precisely the opposite of what I've been told my entire life, with a few notable exceptions.  How come society is so shallow?  It seems like I have to be hopped up on caffeine and dressed to the nines in order to feel that someone might even entertain the possibility of thinking about finding me somewhat attractive.  I know, deep down, that that's a lie, but I tell it to myself anyway.  It's just that there hasn't been much reinforcement from my peers at large that I might actually be worth something. Which is where that latter paragraph comes in, I guess.  If I learn to value myself, to acknowledge my own self-worth, it won't matter so much that most of society doesn't see eye to eye.  Since when have I trusted society as a whole, anyway?  They think that Britney Spears can sing, that Ugg boots are attractive, and that advertising the name of a clothing company on every article they wear doesn't mean they're being used by corporate America.  I don't trust public opinion or the ability of the proletariat to make informed voting decisions, so why on earth should I "live or die by" the opinions of the spawn of those same voters? I guess I always knew that the reason I felt so weird about boys holding doors for me or doing nice things for me was because it didn't usually happen that way.  I've spent most of my band years, especially (Band boys aren't the most chivalrous in the world, especially when they're racing to the cafeteria line for dinner at band camp), catching the door myself when a boy has neglected to hold it for me, yielding to the males rather than the other way around when walking through a door, and allowing boys to cut in front of me in line.  I'm starting to become offended by that kind of thing now, like when the kid who showed up after I did to pick up his luggage last weekend jumped in front of me to hand his tag to the concierge before I could.  I guess that shows that I'm beginning to see my own value, to become used to the respect and chivalry with which Brian treats me. I really don't appreciate how lucky I am sometimes to have him.  I don't understand why most of the time, but he absolutely adores me, and that's only been a help to my own self-esteem and self-appraisal of value and worth.  Thank you, kiddo.

  • 7:30 pm
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