So, I'm Xanga stalking.

But it's okay.  Because the person I'm Xanga stalking is myself.

And I found my New Year's resolutions, dated 31 December 2005.  I had forgotten I had ever made New Year's resolutions before:

"Make better use of my time.  Yell less and listen more.  On the other hand, quit caring so much how others feel all the time and think of myself once in awhile.  Realize that people will always find a reason to not like me, no matter how hard I try, so I should forget those individuals.  Appreciate what I have.  Be less obsessed.  Return to Christ, because I need Him more than I like to admit."

To be perfectly honest, I'm rather impressed with the progress I've made on each of those.  Maybe it took me three years rather than just one, but I have improved.  And hey, in those three years, I've also learned not to split infinitives, so even my grammar has improved by leaps and bounds.

Which means that new resolutions are in order.  I've only really got two this year,  both brought to you in part by these messages from James:

1.  Don't be so hard on myself and recognize that I am worth something.  (That's from the flesh-and-blood James.)

2.  Tame my tongue  (from the book of James).

Here's to 2009.

1-22-73
Silenced.

My dearest Xanga,

I am terribly sorry that I missed your fifth birthday by five days!  Can you ever possibly forgive me? 

Much love and many apologies,

Stephanie <3

Have you really not yet realized?

Ah, 2009.

A great many good things happened in 2008:

-I turned eighteen.
-I dated a boy who showed me that I wasn't completely worthless and that some men can be trusted.
-I moved to Georgia.  For good.  Finally.
-I started college and had the most amazing first semester.
-I thoroughly enjoyed my first college marching band/football season.
-I auditioned for and made a world class winter drumline.
-I made some of the best friends of my life, friends that I know I'll still be getting together to exchange family photos and Christmas gifts with in thirty years.

However, not everything about 2008 was good:

-My parents finalized their divorce.
-I wrecked my car... again.
-I dated a boy who didn't care for me the way I cared for him.  Thankfully, he was merciful enough not to let that last very long.
-I let my grades slip, just a bit, because I was too busy enjoying college life.
-I made a couple of trips back and forth to Ohio, each time finding myself missing my mother and my friends from home more and more, and each time finding myself too tired to move when I finally reached my destination.  If only my mother were closer to Georgia, where I truly love to be.

In short, I'm glad to see 2008 go, to be honest.  I've already had some amazing conversations, experienced my first bowl trip victory, and spent a lot of time with some great friends in 2009, and I only expect the best for the rest of the year.  The great things about 2008 are things that will only continue into the future:  I will continue to live as an adult, the WGI season will continue (and will be amazing, I'm sure), and I will have the opportunity to experience another season of marching band and Georgia football with my amazing friends.  I will still be in college.  I will still know my own worth.

And besides, in 2009 I will:

-Get my new car.  =)
-Take some friends on an amazing trip (who knew?) to Ohio.
-Move in with some of the greatest girls ever.

Beyond that, who knows what the future holds?  I'm excited, and more than that, I'm optimistic.  Yes, you heard that right.  Georgia has made me optimistic.  And I can't wait to see what each new day will bring.

Here's another unpublished post from February that I thought was pretty interesting.  I think I might not have ever made it public because the end seems unresolved and unfinished, but I still think it's worth reading.

Wednesday, February 17, 2008 - 1:42 PM

Labels.

I've never thought of myself as an activist, but that's what my grandfather called me yesterday.  He cited my willingness to stand up for free speech, right to life, and integrity in administration, but I just see my desire to see change in policy concerning those things as just a natural following from my strong opinions about them.

I have a friend who just recently became pro-life.  The reason?  His brother's girlfriend became pregnant, and following much deliberation, they decided to keep the baby.  They're naming my friend's nephew after him.  It's funny how drastically your opinions can change on certain issues once they hit too close to home.  My views on divorce, human rights for homosexuals (as opposed to gay rights), and disaster relief have changed significantly following recent events in my life.  Actively engaging in these debates, too, follows not from a desire to be an activist or cause a stir, but rather from strong opinions on these issues.

My mother called me a political junkie today, as she arrived home to find me watching Sunday morning talk shows.  I'm up to three hours of commentary almost every weeknight, shows of which my mother tires far before I do.  She can't imagine why I would want to spend my Sunday mornings watching "old men yelling at each other" as well.  But Wolf Blitzer had NBA star Charles Barkley, who is actively supporting Barack Obama, on today.  (Incidentally, Barkley claims he is an independent, but also says he is "voting Democrat no matter what.")  As angry as that segment made me, it also made me think.  And that, in my mind, is good television.  Barkley said that the word "conservative" makes him sick to his stomach because "they're all fake Christians," "the biggest hypocrites."  (My Gross Generalization Detector started sounding like a Geiger counter pointed at a supply of enriched uranium at that point.)  Surprised and shocked, I listened to Barkley expound upon his view, saying that conservatives claim to be Christians, but that apparently "they didn't read the part of the Bible that says don't judge people."

Yeah, Mr. Barkley, you're right.  All conservatives are crazed hypocrites who do nothing but judge and hate on others.  That's not a judgment in itself or anything.

In short, I've been called a political activist, political junkie, and a fake hypocrite all in the last twenty-four hours, but it may surprise you to know that I'm quite okay with that.  We need to stop trying to avoid offending people, or political correctness will be our downfall.  I'm not "vertically challenged," I'm short.  I'm not "metabolically gifted," I'm underweight.  And I'm not just "opinionated" or "driven."  I'm a conservative to the core, and I'm unwilling to hide beneath the "independent" or "moderate" umbrella.  The archbishop of Canterbury in the United Kingdom stated the other day that allowing some aspects of Muslim Sharia law supersede the law in the land might not be a problem.  Well, guess what?  That is a problem!  Laws are in place for a reason, and the minute someone's personal religious views allow them to ignore the law of the country they're in, that country is doomed.  I'm all for freedom of religion, but that freedom is afforded under the first amendment to the United States Constitution.  You are free to practice your religion in any way you please, so long as the law of the land remains supreme.

Similarly, we all make judgments, every day, and they're an important part of our lives.  If there's a big, black guy coming after me with a gun pointed at me, I'm going to run away.  It's not because he's black; I'm judging him based on the fact that I think he's going to kill me!

Everything I ever told you was the truth.  I still mean every word.  I wish I could tell you that and ensure you'd understand it.

I just took my last exam, well, yesterday, so I'm officially through my first semester of college.  (Yet, somehow, I'm now a college junior?)  It's been kind of a whirlwind four months, filled with romance and heartbreak, mistakes and breakthroughs, a lot of laughter and a lot of love.

I've met some amazing people and made some of the best friends I can imagine.  I'm going to miss them for the next few weeks, but I can't wait to get back and see the people I love in Ohio, either.

I've decided that not only am I going to get my Bachelor's degree in chemistry, but I'm also going to get a Master's in Public Health (with an Epidemiology concentration), and I've recently added a Spanish minor.  And I'll still graduate in four years!  I appreciate the foundation that I've laid for myself.

I've grown more than I would have imagined.  I knew going in that college was going to change me and have a profound impact, but it took me by surprise nevertheless.

I've learned that sometimes, I just have to learn things the hard way.  But now I'm back on the straight and narrow.

I've learned how to let loose and have a little fun.  Number five party school FTW!

I've learned that I really do have to buckle down and study.  On the other hand, I still haven't learned how to study.

I've driven all over the South, between marching band and the road trips I've taken myself.  I've learned to appreciate the fact that I always have access to my car and that gas prices have come back down.

I've learned that I'm stronger and more resilient than I used to be.  I will keep my chin up, I will stay positive, and I will move on with my life.  I'm loving college too much to let anything get me down for too long.

I've learned to truly appreciate how wonderful it is to have the temperature drop into the forties or fifties and watch everyone freeze. 

I've learned that I have to manage my time and force myself to get up and go to class if I want to enjoy my time with my friends.

I've learned just how stubborn I really am.

I've bent, but I have not broken.

Bring on semester two.

I'm playing marimba this winter season for an indoor drumline called Pariah, now that marching band is over (for the most part).  I'll be in Dayton for both the WGI regional in February and for championships in April, so you should definitely come see me, Ohio people!  My mother's already planning a birthday party for me in my hotel room in February.  It'll be fun.  =)

In short, I've been doing a lot of really exciting things, and I can only foresee things getting better from here.  Maybe I'll blog about some of my experiences.  Or you could just ask.

Tomorrow, or really about six hours from now, I'm on the road again.  It never ends.  But I love it that way.

If, in the end, you come to the "right" conclusion, does your reasoning or motivation for doing so matter?

If, for example, you're an alcoholic who is letting booze come between you and your spouse and children, and you're completely neglecting your family, and then someone bets you $1000 that you can't stop drinking, so you stop, have you really fixed the problem?  Does the fact that you did it for the money rather than out of concern for your family make it any less "right"?

So, last month, I wrote a novel.

No, you're not going to get to read any of it anytime soon.  Well, not unless while I'm editing it I happen to come across a passage of which I am particularly proud.

But how many people can say that?  "I wrote a novel last month."

That's right; for the first time I actually undertook NaNoWriMo and was successful.

It felt pretty good to start something and actually finish it.

I like the look of agony, because I know it's true.
--Emily Dickinson