Dear Former Self,

Hi, and I hope that things in April of 2009 are going well.  I know you're enjoying Pariah and Organic Chem and hanging out with the skinny kid, and I know you're looking forward to getting out of the dorms and working this summer and spending another year at UGA.

You're in for some rough times, and I wish I could warn you of the pitfalls so that you could avoid making some mistakes.  If something strikes you as a bad idea, for Pete's sake listen and don't go through with it!  You're a smart girl, and you know well enough to avoid some lousy situations.  Be courageous and listen to yourself.

Also, try not to be so easily frustrated with him.  He cares for you more than you know, and he's trying his best.  I know you don't understand it now, but you've got something really special going on, and you'll make things much easier for yourself if you remember that and realize that he wants you to be happy and wants to do whatever he reasonably can to facilitate that.  Really.

Stand up for yourself, be assertive, and fight for what you want.  Keep up in your classes, work harder to get involved in extracurriculars, and be open and honest with the Pariah staff about what you want.  You'll reap the benefits, I promise.

Try not to isolate yourself from people when things get tough.  Your roommate situation and your relationship situation and your family situation and your financial situation and your scholastic situation are all about to come crashing down on your head.  You'll be able to get through it, but it will be easier if you don't close down all channels of communication with the people who support you.  Learn to deal with people.  It's a skill you'll need for a lifetime, and learning it now will make the next year immeasurably easier.

Finally, remember that things will work out the way they are supposed to and that God is in control.  Get back into church and don't worry so much about the future.  There will be plenty of time for worrying when things actually roll around.  For now, focus on the short term.  Your current relationships, current classes, current concerns.  Concerns with marriage and family and career can be put off, at least for a little while.

And, if you do one thing and one thing only, study a little for Biochem every single day.  Trust me.

Much love,
Your Future Self

P.S.  To avoid a rift in the space-time continuum, we'd probably best pretend that this conversation never happened.

I'm not going to give up on you.

Please, don't give up on me...

There are so many things I still want to say.

But something always stops me.  Maybe it's the pang in my chest every time my thoughts wander to you, which is often.

I don't want to think anymore.  I don't want to feel.

My tendency too often is to scrap what I have and start over rather than working to fix something broken.

O sleep, if thou be'st merciful...

Sitting in biochemistry... Dr. Adams is lecturing about the production of tyrosine radical cations in photosystem II of green plant photosynthesis.

Happy 8th of February, world. It's been a good year.

There's no good reason for the way that you love me, but I thank God that you do.

Missed the twenty-second this year.  It's been a hectic weekend.

22 January 1973
37 years.  Entire generations lost.

I have to be awake in five hours, yet I find myself becoming absorbed in the soul-cleansing worship to which I have become accustomed in the early hours of the morning.

A sense of peace descends upon me.  No matter what happens, I will survive.  No matter what happens, I will be able to rest on a Father who loves me, completely and perfectly unconditionally.

I have a shelter in the storm.

He forgives me, and for that reason I must constantly forgive others.

She is not in my life to make me miserable.  She is in my life to teach me a lesson.  A lesson about forgiveness.  A lesson about service.  A lesson about Christ Himself.

Though justice charges me with guilt, Your grace will not refuse me.

I have forgiven myself.  I have realized I am not worthless.  I have been made new in the Spirit.

I know that I have been forgiven, and I just hope you can forgive me too.

But no matter what happens, the Wonderful Counselor will be waiting for me with open arms.  If this is not His plan for the rest of my life, something even better will come along. 

Trust and patience.

My mood ring today is blue and yellow--hope and assurance.  With a touch of purple--love.

Today, I am thankful for mercy and grace.  And being able to keep most of what I eat down by now even though my tummy protests.  And that boy I miss so much.  And being somewhat removed from the drama.  And football.  And my car.

But mostly, I am thankful for grace.  I need it far more than I like to admit.

I think I need to start having my quiet time in the morning rather than late at night.

Or, that is, when I wake up rather than before I fall asleep.

Right now I am so much more pleasant, self-aware, and at peace than I ever am soon after waking up.

In fact, I know that lunch with my father tomorrow would go ever so much better if I just forced myself to get up, physically up and out of bed, a mere half hour earlier than I actually need to, in order to stretch and have a cup of coffee and just reflect.  And pray.

On this Christmas Eve, I am thankful for a great many things:

*My Wonderful Counselor.  May I be more mindful of the fact that I should go to Him in time of need in the future.

*Grace.

*Puppy surprises during a not-entirely-unpleasant visit to the dentist.

*Catching up with old friends.

*Putting things in perspective.  Learning that standing up for myself is not necessarily a means of slapping others in the face.

*That wonderful boy.

*The vast resources and knowledge available on the Internet, and the vast resources and knowledge I have been consuming by the ream in book form.

*The complexity and diversity of life, and the ability to study and appreciate those traits full time at my institution of choice.

*Traditional services, Sunday best, and slow, solemn hymns--on the most magical night of the year.

*  The announcement that John Green's wife is pregnant (apparently, very pregnant).  Congratulations!

*  Peace and assurance that a believer lives on even after the end of life on earth.

*  The fact that I have to buckle down for just one more night, and then classes are over at three PM tomorrow.

*  That wonderful boy of mine, and the wonderful dinner we shared this evening.

*  The gift of peace, comfort, and spiritual renewal.

*  The fact that tomorrow, I will have spent nine of the most wonderful months of my life with a pretty cool guy.

*  Spending the next two evenings just relaxing with my boy.

*  Catching up with wonderful friends.

*  Talking with my mother on one of those landmark birthdays.

*  Getting to go home and spend a couple of precious weeks with people I love.

*  Being exempt from the final marching band trip of the season, and getting to spend Christmas with my family instead.

*  Freshly brewed coffee.

I don't find my language to be bombastic...

I do, in fact, use such words as "egregious," "diametrically," and "irreconcilable" in everyday conversation.  And I do make the occasional joke based on Greek roots.

But I don't necessarily see the problem with that.